At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day