Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.