At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
scares
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*