At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
somebody come look at this
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
WHO DID THIS?
lost dog
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My wedding will be open casket.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
