Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

🫶

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.