Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..