Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”