Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

🤨

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

What number SPF blocks people?

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.