TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)