Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I would like a warm hound please
A flaming puppy
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch
[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
“What aisle has the milk?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
“911 what’s your em-”
“slow down sir”
IN THE GORGE
“sir I’m gonna need you t-”
SIMBAS DOWN THERE