Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.