Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

Happy Halloween 🎃

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.