Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

classic mixup

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.