[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

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Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.


date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine


When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.




The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.


It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…


Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.


The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.


My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.