Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

I was just discussing this with my cat

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

This billboard speaks to me

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Order here:
More here:

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman