Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

me after i passed that state trooper

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.