<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?