The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I can’t stop watching this.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
When I said I liked it rough.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before