Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

Life is a suicide mission.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.