[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
#FunnyLife Insects
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.