Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding