Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.