My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.