Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.