Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

The only equipped I am is ill.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

pep talk

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.