Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

This kid is going places

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.