Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Yup.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you