[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
*at a casino*
Me: How much are these chips worth?
Dealer: Sir those are Pringles
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*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?
Every woman is wrong until she starts crying… Then she’s right.
I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?
Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.