I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
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first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.