Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Get off my horse you stupid moon

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.