Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to