Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.