Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks