Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Salad is the decaf of food.

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.