[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
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*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay