[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

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PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.


Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds


Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people


Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot


SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
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ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms


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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.


Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.


New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.