Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

ㅤ

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?