Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally! 😈

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

I came this close!!!!

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

#CoronaOutbreak

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

why am I working on Labor Day

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop