Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

getting corrected

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

There is no “we” in pizza

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

584.