*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
groan^2
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar