Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

whatcha thinkin bout

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

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