[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring