At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
went fishing caught a bass
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.