Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Just ordered me some pizza!

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

good morning

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.