She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
‘some call me the gangster of love’
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*Parents admiring their new baby*
She has her mother’s eyes!
And her father’s nose!
And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.