my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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For the baby who has everything
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
Die mends are forever.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.