@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

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@BrandyLJensen

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@notalogin

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

@MannyDiesel

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

@Mom_Overboard

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

@LaziestCanine

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.