At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
best first i’ve ever seen
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
This squirrel eats better than I do
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.