Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.