Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

I want to meet the individual who made this

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.