[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.