Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

What kind of a cult is this?

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it