[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
You Might Also Like
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that