[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.