Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

they should invent a rest for the wicked

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

It’s the weekend y’all

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?