[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*