[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
🚲+physics = winner
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol