Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

Wow 🤣

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.