[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You Might Also Like
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.