At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
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god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Lassie, get help!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*