Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Unimpressed

is there nothing we can trust anymore

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

🤣✨#caturday

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.