Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

#dnd #ttrpg

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.