[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly