[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas