Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*