My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
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Never threaten anyone. It spoils the surprise.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.