@SunshineJarboly

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

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@mijamtweets

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

@frankzulla

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@climaxximus

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

@buriedwithkids

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.