*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
You Might Also Like
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
s
oc
i
a
l
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.