Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…