Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas