[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
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What a website
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
LOL
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My dog learned how to text
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.