Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

FINE, I WON’T.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*