[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Bringing back this classic
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how