Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”