At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Ghost costume 😂
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send